Being mentally ill and in love: “You have to be willing to learn together”
Published in A Magazine, page 24, Spring 2021. Photo by Kulli Kittus on UnSplash.
When Sara Hill, a senior photography major at Kent State, and junior civil engineering major Jordan Bogdan started dating about three years ago, they needed time to really get to know each other. The first few months were awkward as they learned more about each other and how they might fit together. But for Sara and Jordan, the early stages of their relationship had an added layer — they both have bipolar disorder and making themselves vulnerable by sharing that information was hard at first.
Now, while on the phone with the couple, they finish each other’s sentences seamlessly. They laugh together and seem to know exactly what the other person is thinking. They understand each other as individuals and how they fit together as a couple.
According to the National Alliance on Mental Illness (NAMI), 43.8 million adults experience mental illness in a given year.
Hill was first diagnosed with anxiety when she was around 13 or 14 and was diagnosed with bipolar disorder three years ago when she was 19. However, until the summer of 2020, Bogdan was working with an inaccurate diagnosis.
“When I was like 15 or 16, they hit me with the stereotypical anxiety and depression that they diagnose any ‘troubled teen,’ so to speak, with and never really second-guessed it or dug any deeper than that,” he says. “I got to a point where I was frustrated with my meds, that I finally went to a new place and I talked to them one time and they were like, 'You're definitely bipolar.'”
He said the experience of an incorrect diagnosis was frustrating, but it's also a sign of hope because now he’s treating his condition effectively.
Since receiving the correct diagnosis, Bogdan said Hill has been helping him work through it, which is a common theme in their relationship.
“With two of us being pretty mentally ill on the outside, I feel like a lot of people would look at that as even more difficult,” he says. “But I feel like in reality it's been almost helpful because we can relate to each other and understand each other.”
While they share the same mental illness, they both have their individual symptoms that affect them differently and at different times. If one of them is struggling, the other goes into what they describe as “caretaker mode.” When one of them is having a bad day, the other takes note of that and makes an effort to help them feel better and tend to their needs. But sometimes that caretaker mode isn’t what the other person needs, which is something Hill says took some time to pay attention to in order to understand how to help Jordan.
“I think it was time and just being really cognizant,” Hill says. “I think when you spend so much time with someone, you see the little things and you try different things each time and see what's going to work best and when you find what works, stick with it.”
But, sometimes, they’re both having bad days. Usually when this happens, Hill just puts her head down and deals with it. As someone who has caretaker tendencies, she’ll focus more on helping Jordan and in turn, that makes her feel better. But Bogdan says there are times when they’re feeling down all day and when that happens they look for all the things that comfort them that they can share like watching shows they enjoy or ordering some of their favorite foods.
“We like just being together, even though things aren't necessarily great for both of us at the time,” he says. “It's almost like the comradery that comes with playing sports or doing something like that with people where even when it's bad, you're still building that bond.”
A crucial part of their relationship was working to find their boundaries, specifically the line between what’s OK and what may be too dependent, which Hill says has been a learning process and the issue of codependency is a big part of that.
Throughout their lives, both Hill and Bogdan have always had a “go-to person” who they’re closest with and it can be easy, especially for someone with a mental illness who has tendencies to be too dependent, to rely too much on that person. It’s something they say takes time to find the balance between wanting each other’s company and depending on it.
If Hill’s friends invite her to go out, it’s completely appropriate for her to go alone. But occasionally, there have been times where she’s felt like she couldn’t go alone and then Bogdan becomes a sort of security blanket for her in those moments.
“A lot of times we legitimately need each other's support to be able to do that thing, whatever it may be, whether it's hanging out with friends or just going to do some shopping or chore type errands,” Bogdan says. “We both really rely on each other's strength to help us do those things,” Hill adds.
Ashley McGuinness, a counselor at Counseling for Wellness in Kent, said codependency is very easy to fall into, especially when mental illness is involved, whether it’s with just one or both partners.
“It's almost like when a person can rely on others to have their emotional and physical needs met or to have someone to make them happy, it becomes easier for that person to avoid acknowledging their own struggle and the introspective work that tends to take more energy,” she says. “So they're able to rely more on their significant other to meet their needs and make them happy instead of learning to do this themselves.”
It’s something Hill says they pay attention to very closely and consciously make decisions based on how they’re doing. But McGuinness says when codependency does happen, if it gets out of control, breaking that cycle can become extremely difficult because the couple can become too intertwined.
“While someone might do caregiving tasks and might take care of someone, they're not a caretaker and that's the big difference...to notice what some of that codependency is looking like,” she says.
When dealing with codependency issues, the line between wanting to spend time with a person because you enjoy their company and physically needing it is a fine one that can be detrimental to both individuals or the couple as a whole. McGuinness says in this case, she encourages people to take a moment to evaluate their thoughts and feelings to see if they’re intertwined with the other person's or unique to themselves.
“In terms of breaking the cycle, if people find themselves denying their own needs, for example, if one partner says, ‘I really want you to run errands with me,’ and the other partner agrees despite having self-care planned or just wasn't feeling it, they're potentially sacrificing their own needs and may need to address whether or not this is an issue of codependency,” she says.
Hill and Bogdan say part of what makes their relationship so successful is the unmatched sense of relatability they share. Not only does it bring them closer, but they’re able to understand what the other person may be going through since they experience the same condition. When they look back on past relationships, part of why they never worked out is because that feeling of relatability and understanding was missing.
“I had a lot of friendships and relationships just fizzle out...because I was too much to handle or they weren't prepared to deal with [me] when I was doing bad,” Bogdan says. “And I totally understand that to an extent, especially when we're younger, but it still hurts and it sucks. So finding someone who actually understands me and knows what to say has been beyond helpful.”
Hill said sometimes in those cases when people don’t understand your condition, even when you try to explain it to them, words just aren’t enough. And then when you’re having a bad day, it can lead to you feeling like a burden, like the way you’re feeling is your fault.
“If one partner has not experienced a mental illness, they often aren't able to truly understand or empathize on a deeper level how it affects the other person,” McGuinness says. “This can lead to an imbalance because if that person is hiding some of those symptoms or trying not to talk about themselves in order to conceal their struggles it can build feelings of resentment.”
That feeling of resentment isn’t always intentional, but when someone feels like they’re not being heard or understood, it’s natural to feel bitterness toward the other person.
If someone is struggling with depression and they are barely able to get out of bed, but they're still trying to be there for their partner, then they're likely not meeting their own basic needs at that point, McGuinness says. This makes being a good partner challenging in those situations because the struggling person is already stretched to their limits, but their partner might not know that.
With less than successful past relationships because of a lack of education and understanding around mental illness, this made Bogdan more reserved about his condition.
“I'm a pretty outgoing guy and I'm always trying to make everyone laugh and stuff,” he says. “So I felt like in my friend groups, a lot of times they wanted me around for comedic value and having fun. But then when I was having my low points and really needed support, it was just too much for them to be able to handle or deal with.”
Hill is also pretty reserved with her condition initially and with Bogdan it took her a while to realize she wouldn’t be a burden if she shared her feelings.
Because of how fluid mental illness is, there isn’t necessarily a right or wrong way for someone with a mental illness to address their condition with their partner. McGuinness says she often advises her clients to first explore what their mental illness means to them.
“The biggest thing I talk to clients about is that everybody's diagnosis and symptoms look completely different from the person next to them,” she says. “So it can be hard to pinpoint how to help or understand that person. For a partner just to read a general article on how to help a significant other with depression, it's not going to be the same as the significant other expressing their unique needs and experiences with mental illness.”
It’s important for the person to educate their partner specifically on their own mental illness and to be able to identify what they need from their partner, so they know those expectations and don’t have to guess.
According to an article from The Huffington Post, “A mental health disorder acts like a magnifying glass to problems. It convinces the sufferer that they don't deserve someone's affection. It can cause them to be distant.” This can lead the person with the mental illness to feel like they can’t be in a successful relationship, or they have to blame themselves when things go wrong.
In this case, McGuinness makes it a point to tell her clients that no one is born a good partner. It’s something that requires a lot of work and learning on both sides. But she says it’s important for the person with a mental illness to understand the learning curve will be different for them based on the symptoms they experience and working on communication skills to better understand themselves before entering the relationship can be helpful.
“One of the things I've noticed in mental health while working through past relationships with clients are negative cognitions that tend to stay with the person even after that relationship has ended,” she says. “Oftentimes, this can be a result of toxic statements [from] past partners, which can become part of an individual's ‘self-talk’ and can sound like, ‘I'm not worthy, no one's going to love me.’ Then that past partner’s voice almost becomes their own. This self-talk can carry throughout people's lives and can cause them to avoid positive relationships and feel unworthy of them.”
McGuinness encourages people to identify those cognitions, where they came from and then share them in a way to change the narrative and incorporate a different mantra like, “I am worthy of love.”
Like Hill and Bogdan’s case, when both parties in the relationship are struggling with a mental illness, it creates a deep sense of empathy and understanding because it’s a feeling like no other, McGuinness says.
“I do find that when two people in the relationship are struggling, they're more willing to talk to each other about it to share their symptoms and go deeper,” she says. “Which obviously, again, can lead to codependency, but...it is really beautiful as long as the couple can navigate it well.”
While this is something Hill and Bogdan say they’re still learning to navigate, so far, they’ve been able to understand each other’s symptoms and can tell when one person is having a good or bad day and how to react appropriately.
For couples in situations similar to Hill and Bogdan, or even where one person is experiencing a mental illness, McGuinness’s first piece of advice is to seek treatment. In cases where just one of the partners is experiencing a mental illness, if the other partner can participate as well, it can be beneficial to them in terms of understanding their partner’s condition.
She also says it’s important to remember that in terms of mental illness, some days are worse than others, but that doesn’t mean there are only bad days and it’s key to have patience.
Regarding advice based on their experience as a couple, Hill and Bogdan say patience and communication are two of the biggest aspects to focus on.
“It’s definitely a learning process,” Hill says. “But you have to be willing to learn together.”